


Totally Worth It

by evakuality



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Tumblr Prompt, slightly melancholy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:00:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28267281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evakuality/pseuds/evakuality
Summary: It's the holidays and sometimes that means things can get hard.  But they can also lead to some introspection and self-revelation.  Sometimes when things get hard, you can realise the things in your life that are totally worth it.Aka: David and Matteo have a conversation and work something out
Relationships: Matteo Florenzi/David Schreibner
Comments: 14
Kudos: 48





	Totally Worth It

There’s something not quite right about Matteo this evening; his eyes are shuttered and his face set in a way that’s unnatural. Or at least in a way that hasn’t been natural for Matteo in so many months that David can’t even count. When he raises a questioning eyebrow, though, Matteo just shrugs and drags the most unconvincing smile onto his face. Seeing the way Matteo tries to force cheer sends small flickers of unease licking at David’s heels. His heart squeezes, cold fear sneaking its way into his chest. It’s stupid and he knows it’s stupid, but there’s still a small part of David that feels unloved and unloveable. That part assumes the worst, that this is because of something he’s done.

The worst of it is that David can’t do what he usually does to get through to Matteo. He can’t wrap him up in some sort of embrace and hold him until he’s ready to say something about whatever it is. Around them, their friends are bubbly and chatty, overflowing with joy and laughter. The tree in one corner is bright with sparkling lights, the candles on the wreath glimmer, and the rest of the space is filled with a dimmed glow from two lamps at the side of the room, allowing the strings of coloured lights placed high up along the walls - in a haphazard attempt at straight lines - to glitter and cast their colours onto the walls behind them. Alcohol is flowing freely, and their guests all seem to be enjoying themselves. It’s a party, long planned by an excitable Matteo and David in this their first home together, and as host David feels he has some responsibilities to their guests. 

Dragging his eyes away from Matteo, who has settled onto a couch near Jonas and Hanna, and looks like he’s taking at least some part in the conversation, David pulls on his own almost-certainly unconvincing smile and turns to the people nearest to him. He keeps an eye on Matteo over the rest of the evening, drifting close every now and then to check on him. Matteo always responds willingly enough, reaching out a hand to grasp David’s fingers as he passes, or leaning into a kiss pressed to his forehead or cheek. 

It quickly becomes clear that despite David’s brief anxiety that this is something he’s done, that Matteo is gaining some sort of strength from these small connections with David. His smile always tips up into something more natural in the aftermath of each one. But his mood doesn’t improve over time. Indeed, he seems to settle further into some sort of melancholy. He valiantly plays host, smiling at everyone, making small talk and refilling snacks. But David can see the toll it’s taking on him, the weariness in his face, the way his smile slips when he thinks no-one is looking. The slump of his shoulders as things clearly get too much.

David frowns as he makes his way into the kitchen with a small handful of empty bottles. He’s finished tipping out the dregs and is just opening the fridge to see if there are more he can bring out to replenish the coolers they have scattered around the room, when he hears a slight cough from behind him. He jumps, on edge from the worry he’s been feeling about Matteo, and the bottles rattle in the fridge’s door as it slips from his fingers and clatters closed as he turns to take in whoever has entered.

Face pale and eyes hooded, Matteo stands there. He moves closer to David, who opens his arms in invitation. Matteo falls into them, his breath huffing out against David’s neck as he wraps his arms around David’s waist and mutters something too low to hear clearly. David lets his fingers tangle in Matteo’s hair, running soothing circles the way he knows his boyfriend likes, and slowly Matteo’s body relaxes, and the tight grip he’s had on David’s shirt loosens.

“You want to talk about it?” David offers. He expects Matteo to step back and refuse because that’s what he usually does. When there are other people, Matteo’s not usually keen to let out things that might shatter his peace.

Instead, Matteo’s breath stutters briefly and he nods against David’s neck. “Yeah,” he breathes. “But not here.” He pulls back and indicates the kitchen with another nod.

“Okay,” David agrees, trying not to let his relief show that Matteo is willing to let him in to whatever is bothering him. He’s glad they can talk now, and he knows they need to be alone for this, but he’s also aware they can’t really leave everyone here without them. So he compromises, with a small laugh at the irony of what he’s about to say. “Balcony?” he suggests.

Matteo laughs, a small mirthless acknowledgement of the shared joke. They’d chosen this place out of numerous others they’d seen just because it has a balcony that reminds Matteo of the one he’d had at the flatshare. David teases him about the much better bathroom facilities they could have had in their second choice, but Matteo always remains adamant. The balcony is worth it.

“Balcony,” Matteo agrees. 

Matteo makes his way through their bedroom to the doorway out to the balcony while David pauses briefly in the main room to let Laura and Jonas know where they are if they’re needed. By the time he gets through and slips outside, closing the doors behind him to keep the heat inside the small apartment, Matteo has settled onto the small couch they’ve squeezed into the space. His legs are propped up on the table in front of him and he’s looking pensively out over the city lying sparkling in front of them.

He looks up as David sits down next to him, grabs the cosy blanket they have so they can sit here on cooler nights like this one and spreads it over both of them. His eyes are smudged with fatigue and dark circles bruise the skin under them. 

David sits there in silence, listening to the muffled sounds of the city below them, waiting for Matteo to speak. Glancing sideways, David watches as he plucks anxiously at a long thread that’s sneaking out of the edge of the blanket. It’s a long minute before he quietly says, “saw my dad today.”

“Oh.”

That makes sense of everything that Matteo has done since he got here this evening. Those meetings never go well, and he always needs time and space with David or alone before he can comfortably deal with the surge of emotions that always flood to the surface,

Matteo huffs out a wryly amused laugh. “Yeah.” he says, fingers now twining the exposed thread from the blanket roughly around each other over and over again in a steady rhythm, as if it centres him. “It was shit.”

“Shittier than normal?”

Matteo nods, his lips pursing into a compressed line as he clearly rolls the conversation over again in his thoughts.

“He wanted to know when I was going to do something normal.” He looks sideways, as if seeking reassurance from David, and David can see the pain in his eyes. “He wanted to know when I was going to stop being strange and find a nice girl to marry.” He laughs, the sound cutting right through David. There’s nothing amused in it. He shakes his head as if in disbelief, mockingly imitating the tone his father used when he repeats,  _ “strange.” _

“You’re not strange,” David says, taking his hand. “You know that, right?”

Matteo’s shoulders move in a tiny shrug. He doesn’t answer directly, instead saying, “I keep hoping he’ll be better each time. I’m so stupid for believing it.”

His voice is shaking with the effort of trying to act like it doesn’t really matter, trying to make the self-chastisement sound like a joke. But David knows Matteo well enough to know it’s not a joke.

“You’re not stupid.”

“It’s just hard,” Matteo says quietly. “It’s Christmas, you know?” He sighs, his fingers picking up their rhythm on the thread again, twisting it back and forth. “I always hope he’ll be better when it’s Christmas.”

“Yeah, I know,” David says. “It never gets easier.”

He’s speaking from his own experience, and how it always stings a little when his parents don’t try to include him in any of his own holiday traditions. Matteo nods, burrows closer. He knows how bad it can be for David, too. It’s because they have this shared frustration with their relationships with family that they’re each able to talk about it when they need to.

It’s silent for a long time, allowing David to reflect. He can hear the muffled booming sound of the music Hans has chosen for the evening’s playlist, a bizarre mix of breezy Christmas songs and thumping bass lines. Hans had insisted on being the DJ, saying that David and Matteo don’t have the right sort of music for a party. They let him do it, since it made him happy. Listening to the abrupt change in beats between songs, David’s not sure if they made the best decision there.

Still, the slower, easier cadence of the latest song allows him to slow his own thoughts down and take stock of what’s happening here. David can tell, in between the things Matteo has said, just how much has been left unsaid. He’s heard first hand some of the stinging, aggressive comments Matteo’s father can dole out, and he can imagine how bad it must have been today for it to have felt shittier than normal to Matteo. 

“I feel better now,” Matteo says as if he can hear the thought David just had. “Being with you always helps. It was shit before, not being able to.”

Hearing it means so much. It’s not that long since David tried to hold himself aloof from everyone who would try to get close to him, sure that he’d been opening himself up to weakness and rejection. Instead, what he keeps finding over and over, is that Matteo reaffirms their bond in so many ways, big and small. 

He’s tired, David can feel it in the slump of his body, but there’s a peace in him that wasn’t there before. It feels nice knowing that he was able to help with that. That just being here settles Matteo. It’s in that moment that David knows. He knows for absolute sure that he wants to spend the rest of his life with Matteo.

He turns to press a kiss into Matteo’s hair, whispering, “I love you,” as he does so. He can feel Matteo’s muscles move as his mouth curls up into a smile when he hears the words. It always makes Matteo smile this way when David says it, so he says it often just to catch that smile Matteo saves just for times like this.

“I love you too,” Matteo says, turning so he can look David in the eye properly for the first time since they got out here this evening.

His eyes look clearer than they did when they came out here, and the smudges under his eyes are less prominent.

“I want to ask you something,” David says impulsively, taking Matteo’s hand in his own. He laughs at the look that chases onto Matteo’s face; it’s suspicious because they never talk like this, asking permission to say something and Matteo can tell something is different tonight.

Now it’s David’s turn to look away; the intensity in that gaze is getting too much for him and he knows he won’t retain his composure if he tries to hold Matteo’s eyes. So he focuses on Matteo’s fingers, curled trustingly in his own. He should have got a ring before he did this, David thinks irrelevantly. But he’s not going to back out now.

“You know how… how closed I was before I met you. How I wanted to run away from everyone and everything. How much everything hurt all the time.”

“Yeah,” Matteo agrees softly. “I recognised something in you that was the same as me.”

David nods, chances a look up at Matteo and sees the wry smile he’s giving. These aren’t easy memories, for either of them. But there’s something healing in remembering those times and how much they meant to each other because of it. Matteo has always shone in David’s memory for the way he steadfastly never gave up, for the way he was willing to work with David through whatever was messing with him. Getting to do that for each other for the rest of their lives? Yeah, David’s ready to dive into that.

“The thing is, I get what you’re saying about your dad and how shitty that all is. And… and my parents too. And I know this time of year is hard for you when he’s… like he is.”

He pauses, because he can feel his emotions welling up. It’s not perfect, the things he’s saying and the way they got here, but it works for them and it’s only now that he’s saying it that David understands how perfect it is to do this in a moment like this. Because everything that has come behind them emphasises everything that is good about the two of them together. And Christmas has always a time of change and reflection for Matteo; it’s why he’s always hoping his father will have changed. So why not transition into something even better now, with David? 

“You’re my home,” David continues after refocusing, his fingers trembling where Matteo’s are sitting in them. “And I’m yours, I think.”

“You are,” Matteo agrees. 

His voice is firm, with no trace of doubt. David smiles. He knows this, of course, but those small doubts still flood him sometimes so there’s always a tiny buzz of relief and delight when Matteo says it like it’s a truth, immutable and eternal. David’s not above fishing to get Matteo to say it, and does so often, but tonight there’s a deeper purpose.

“So, your dad doesn’t matter,” David says. “I know it feels big and shit and like you’re small. I  _ know  _ that. I’ve felt that before, hoping it might change if I just find a way to be better, but I never could.” He stops and processes for a moment, figuring out how to say the rest of what he wants to. “I feel like… like I had such a small family before. It was just Laura really. But now I have you and I don’t need anyone else. I don’t have to be better, and neither do you. Because you’re good the way you are - just like you told me one time.”

Matteo smiles, something small, but there’s a relaxed happiness there that David wants to bottle. He loves being able to get through to Matteo like this. He loves that memory and everything that surrounded it, and he knows it’s resonated with Matteo too. He can see the way the things they’ve said have eased the tense lines of his body.

“You haven’t asked anything yet,” Matteo points out, puncturing the moment, and David laughs. It’s such a Matteo thing to do that he can’t help himself, and he knows it means he’s had the effect he’d wanted to. 

“I’m trying to be all romantic and supportive here,” David says, shoving Matteo. 

Matteo’s eyes are lit up now, with what David thinks of as his ‘usual’ mischievous look. Matteo shoves him back, laughing, the sound welcome after the heaviness of the evening beforehand. He sobers quickly, though, sincerity flooding through his face as he leans into David and rests their foreheads together.

“You don’t need to try to be romantic,” Matteo says quietly. “I feel a lot better already.”

He knows, then, what David was trying to do at the start. But he hasn’t caught on to the rest of it, so David sucks in a breath and kisses him. Centering himself before he blurts out something reckless and ruins what he wants to do, David lets himself watch Matteo’s face as he carries on.

“I do though,” David says. “I said I want to ask you something.”

“Yeah, you did.”

“I just wanted to say that I love you, I love all our moments even the hard ones. And I want to have more of them for the rest of our lives.”

Matteo blinks at him, clearly taken aback. “You want…?”

“To have more moments with you for the rest of our lives, yeah. You’re my home,” he repeats, knowing Matteo still hasn’t quite caught up with what he’s trying to ask, “and I want to marry you.”

It finally hits Matteo and his face evens out into something wondrous. “You do?”

Laughing, feeling light and almost drunk with relief now that he’s said it, David takes Matteo's hand again. “I do. It was a bit of a rushed decision so I didn’t get a ring or anything. But it felt right to do it now, you know?”

“Me feeling miserable felt like the right time?”

But Matteo’s laughing, his face lit up, so David knows he doesn’t really mean it. 

“It did kinda. Because it reminded me that even in these hardest times, when it feels like everything has fallen apart around us, that I still have you and you still have me. And I wanted to seize that and keep it forever.”

“Well I’m not sure,” Matteo says, his fingers tracing a light line along David's jaw down to his lips. Taken aback by the strange turn this has taken, David frowns. Matteo laughs again and brushes a kiss onto the lips his fingers had just been tracing. “You still didn’t ask me anything.”

“Ass,” David says. On another impulse, he slides off the seat, letting the blanket fall from their laps as he drops to one knee and grins up at Matteo with one hand on his chest and one held out beseechingly to his boyfriend. “Will you marry me?”

Matteo rolls his eyes, and drags him back up onto the seat next to him. “Of course I will,” he says, pulling David in for a kiss to seal the moment.

Snuggled together on the seat, the sounds of the party intruding as someone flings a window open in the living room, David sighs his happiness.

“I’ve been thinking it for a while,” he admits. “I just didn’t quite know how to do it, but sitting here with you I knew times and places weren’t important. What was important was us being here together through thick and thin.”

“See?” Matteo murmurs as he lays his head on David’s shoulder and kisses the skin he finds there. “The balcony  _ was  _ worth it.”

“It wasn’t the balcony,” David protests. “It was me being super romantic.” 

But, he thinks as they choose to stay there together, that maybe the balcony is symbolic of their relationship after all. It’s a small space they can carve out together in the world where other people are near and other things try to intrude. But if they inhabit it together, wrapped up in the warmth they give each other, it does make everything all feel different. Easier. Worthwhile.

Below them, the city glimmers on, uncaring of everything it’s just witnessed. But here in their bubble all that matters is the two of them. 

And  _ that’s _ what makes all of this,  _ “totally _ worth it,” David whispers into Matteo's hair.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on two tumblr prompts: "David proposes to Matteo during Christmas time with a cute and long speech. How he is his home, the reason he stopped running, he is his everything." and "Matteos dad being a total asshole to Matteo during the Christmas time and Matteo seeks shelter by David. Because in the end just David's presence makes everything better and with David he always feels safe."
> 
> I'd love to know what you think, or you can come and talk to me [on tumblr](https://https://www.tumblr.com/blog/evakuality)


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